Thursday, December 24, 2009

The Things I've Missed Out On

Let me preface this by saying that I will not be dedicating all future stories to the Dog. There are plenty of other weirdnessesesesss' out there, but this one just happens to start with the dog.
It's come to my attention that there seems to be several, if not, multiple things that have slipped my notice over the years. Things that would appear common knowledge to my fellow peeps, it seems.
The most recent revelation? Apparently my Dog has anal glands. And I'm assuming he must have 2 of them, as he has 2 butt cheeks, but I didn't ask. And I suppose all dogs have these anal glands.

From Wikipedia: (warning the contents you are about to read may not be suitable for small children, those taking blue pills on Tuesdays and my Husband)
In dogs, these glands are occasionally referred to as "scent glands", because they enable the animals to mark their territory and identify other dogs. The glands can spontaneously empty, especially under times of stress, and create a very sudden unpleasant change in the odor of the dog. Dog feces are normally firm, and the anal glands usually empty when the dog defecates, lubricating the anal opening in the process. When the dog's stools are soft they may not exert enough pressure on the glands, which then may fail to empty. This may cause discomfort as the full anal gland pushes on the anus. The glands can be emptied by the dog's keeper, or more typically by a groomer or veterinarian, by squeezing the gland so the contents are released through the small openings on either side of the anus. Discomfort is evidenced by the dog scooting its posterior on the ground (commonly referred to as "butt-dragging"), licking or biting at the anus, sitting uncomfortably, difficulty sitting or standing, or chasing its tail.

I'm just going to let you know right now that I did not read the above passage. I just made the Girl go to Wiki and copy and paste for me, so I hope she looked up the correct word.
But I like my readers to be informed...
So. The reason I know that Dog had anal glands is because he took a trip to the Groomers! Whipppeee! Ok. I now have a dog, that involves littleness, clothes, and a need for grooming. If you've read my earlier story about Dog, you'll have learned that he has hair issues. He is a terrier/poodle mix, and his hair looks pubic-esque. I really never thought grooming was in his future until the day the "Tuft" arrived. He has the kind of tail that curls up. And I kind of started noticing that the hair around his anus or "butthole" was beginning to grow a ring or tuft of hair around it that you just SIMPLY could not stop staring at. I stood out like a little shrub. But, I never said anything. Until I think..well, I'm not sure who brought it up first, me or Husband, but one of us threw the Tufty Elephant in the Living Room out on the the carpet to be discussed. Basically, Husband said he couldn't "Deal" because it was so "weird" and he was "getting to point where he couldn't walk him anymore because he couldn'".
The Tuft had to go. We discussed our options. I tossed a few ideas around in my head for a few seconds. Plus, he kind of smelled like cornchips. I called the Groomers. We had an appointment at 2:30.
We roll up, me, Dog, Boy, Girl. We have absolutely NO idea what to expect. They go over the basics.
They are going to : (the following are all the Groomer's words)
give him a bath clean his ears express his anal glands give him a cute teddybear cut around the face get rid of his little beard he's got going and totally ages him smooth out the hair on his body trim the hair on his tail and cut his nails.
Now, simultaneously we have TWO things going on here. I just want the Tuft gone and it has yet to be addressed, and right at the VERY beginning, did she just say something about anal glands??
So, I decided I'm on a mission, a need to know kind of mission, and I need NOT know about anal glands, so I 180 Dog around and say :
"We really need to address the Tuft on his butthole"
Girl just groans, Groomer is just like "Sure!! Come back in 3 hours!!!"
3 hours?? Yeah, sure, Ok, whatev.
45 bones...Dog looked awesome...I mean, he really did. Tuft was gone, clean as a whistle. I'm assuming the glands were able to be expressed. How liberating for everyone.
Now, about this whole anal gland thing. Apparently, EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD knows that dogs have them. Because as I was relating this story to people they're all like, "yeah, they have these things in their butts!! Makes 'em SCOOT!!"
And I'm wondering why I never heard of this before. Where was I?
1 year in the back of an ambulance, 12 years in surgery, you'd think I'd pick up on some sort of anatomical dog talk. I'd think. Right? Hell, I don't know...
There have been others.
I recently figured out who "Mommy" was kissing when she was kissing "Santa Claus".
I'm 35. Just put 2 and 2 together.
Then, there was this one time, I grabbed this book that looked awesome. So I read it in like, 4.2 hours. And I was going around telling everyone about it, how great it was, and, wow, you should READ THIS!!! It's a great story! You never want it to end!!! Have you read it??
The Thorn Birds?
No...nope, guys. NO. I did NOT know it was made into a wildly popular movie.
Oh well, it's all good. Makes life still interesting..
I got the Dog home from the Groomers. He smelled awesome, he looked good.
Husband still made fun of him. And as the Dog has no sense of personal space, he managed to get peed on his head by Boy as he was using the toilet. This happened 4 hours after we got home.