Oh NO...

I don’t even know how to explain this one. But I will try...

It all started with this “craft” project, or is it a canning project?

Girl has this book, an Encyclopedia Of Immaturity, or something like that. It involves pranks, jokes, weird shit. It’s all good fun. One of the projects it has in it is how to make “Pickled Elf Bottoms”. It shows a jar, full of little bottoms. It is kind of funny, really. What you do is find some nylons, or...panty hose...God, I hate that even typing those words; Panty Hose..but whatever..and you cut them into 3 inch squares, put 2 cotton balls in it, tie it up with some string in a manner where it looks like little bottoms. Random..but 10 year olds love that shit...

So, of course we’re making some.

We’re on bottom #2, and it drops to the ground into the waiting mouth of Puppy. Now, whenever this dog gets something into it’s mouth and hears the words “NO! DROP IT! LEAVE IT!! NO!!” he immediately inhales it whole. So, that sucks..

So of course it lands on his tongue, Boy and Girl yell the command that means “swallow” to him, and he does. He ate a pickled elf bottom. And I don’t know what possessed me to do this, but I did.

I headlocked the dog, and I find myself sticking my index finger down his throat. I am literally trying to purge the dog. He’s squeaking and gagging, and the kids are watching their mom jam a finger down their dog’s throat. And all I’m thinking, all..I’m thinking, is “how do I explain this one to the Vet?” I mean, I can’t. And I won’t.

I get that dogs eat weird shit...and there’s been the kotex, and the tampons and all kinds of embarrassing items, but I just couldn’t see myself hauling the Encyclopedia into the Vet and say “We’re looking for one of these”.

Even as I’m jamming a finger wayyyy down his throat, it doesn’t occur to me that this is kind of fucked up. I’m only thinking of a conversation I’d like to avoid. The other weird thing is, Boy and Girl don’t even go “WHAT the FUCK are you doing?” Now, you’d think they wouldn’t swear like that...but in this case, I’d have welcomed that cold splash of water to lull me out of my weirdness..

Anyways, my attempt to get the dog to regurgitate failed. Later, he ate the knobby end of a rawhide whole. A little smaller than my fist...

Just goes to show you that my measly little finger stood no chance...

So, I’m hoping for a poop. I mentioned to husband that we’d need to keep an eye on Puppy’s ass for anything protruding yet not fully exiting. Like, if I wasn’t there, he’d have to deal. I suggested keeping a ziplock baggy handy that he could use as a glove to be able to birth it out if need be. Husband’s response to that: “Uh, no. No. If I see anything like that and you’re not around, he just gets shoved in the crate, and we will be leaving the house. You’re making me feel shaky just thinking about it.”

So, I’ve got THAT to worry about.