Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Block

DAMMIT...I hate the block..I've seemed to have had the block. I mean, don't get me wrong, so many random things and funny things hit me every day. There's a virtual library of things I could write about. BLAHHG about...but in the end, I'm afraid of using names and likenessessss, Geez, that's a long word. Hard to say. I just said it out loud. Ok, so I'm sensitive to my fellow travelers on this big wacky thing we call Earth. I just don't want to share too much, and flat out call someone out that they'd be like : "Hey, Becky? What the hell? Was that me you were writing about? Ya know, about that time I told you I shit my pants?" And I'd be sitting there, probably looking at my shoes, and be all "uh, yes." BECAUSE it WAS funny, and I nearly shit MY pants when you told me YOU shit your pants!!
I'm legally bound to not share anything regarding my job. And lemme tell ya...I have so so so so much.'s a wonder no one has ever made a funny medical show...well, ok, they have, Scrubs. That is a funny show.. but I'm talking about in the Operating Room.
We have even had someone in a suit, holding a clipboard, (and probably a loaded gun) come and talk to us staff about Social Networking, and how we are not ever never never ever allowed to share NOTHING about our jobs on ANYthing. I mean, I often feel guilty having an internal dialogue with myself when I'm thinking about my job. If I were to share anything, I'd be immediately fired. Done. Kaput. And since none of your asses are paying to read my stories, I'll keep the job.
And because I'm sensitive...I don't want to scare anyone from seeking surgery, should they need it. I don't want them to think that we actually do or say the things we....well, actually do and say. They don't need to know....
What they need to know is they are in competent hands. It's true. For all of the...antics, that may occur, none of them compromise the patient. If it did, I'd NEVER have EVER had any type of surgery. And I've had my share..
They don't need to know the dumb ass shit that happens, or the dumb ass shit that is said that gets almost ALL of us on the floor laughing our dumb asses off.
I get to work with some pretty clever, socially challenged, sick in the head people. I'm talking GIFTED people. It's a calling, the field of medicine. It's a whole other can of worms when it comes to those that seek out a job in the O.R.

You must possess the following:

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: If you do not possess OCD, you are not fit for the team. You must be able to commit random, yet determined, acts of ritual. You must do the same thing the same way EVERY time. You must constantly be stacking, rearranging, folding, prepping, draping, cutting, affixing, etc, ALL at the same time, or someone will surely die.

Dark Dark (the blackest) Sense Of Humor : If you can not find humor in the fact that part of your job requires you to pick up corn on the floor after a colonoscopy, or that once you discover the corn on the floor, you leave it there until your room partner comes back so you can show it to them before you clean it up..then someone, will surely die. (side note: No, corn does not absorb in the digestive tract. And yes, we will find it very funny every time corn is found during your colonoscopy)

The Ability To Not Get Offended At Sexually Explicit Comments Directed At You : In essence, get over it, and just lob an even more offensive bomb right back at your opponent. Remember! It's only sexual harassment if the harasser is ugly!

The Ability To Go From Zero to Nine Million Miles Per Hour When Bad Shit Happens : This means, someone may be sharing a joke from Urban Dictionary (which is conveniently pulled up on the computer) and all the sudden some weird shit starts happening to the patient and you all roll into action like comic book heros...make the weird shit stop...and immediately jump right back into using the term "Dirty Sanchez" in perfect usage and context.

The Ability To Simultaneously Perform/Assist In Surgery And Be Able To Use The Term "Dirty Sanchez" In Perfect Usage And Context : I've seen this shit happen all the time. No, no one's life is in danger, their surgery botched, or died because of this talent. And it IS a talent. My theory on this stems from the belief that most of what we do IS indeed really super weird, and we need a little normality like YouTube to help keep us grounded.

Be Really Smart : Now, here, I am not tooting my own horn. I'm not. Sometimes I am smart about shit, other times, I'm resourceful. Many times, I fake it til I make it..and I hold firm to the notion.."Be good, or be good at it". But, the fact remains, that the people I work with, are really scary smart. Being resourceful and creative comes in handy. And there is a lot of practice with those traits. Being quick on your toes, I believe, requires a LOT of brains. Big ol truckloads of brains.

The Ability To Hear And Dispense With Language That Would Make Your Dead Gramma Come BACK From The Dead And Kick You In Your Filthy Mouth : I mean...have you read this shit? There was a surgeon I worked with, where routinely we would make a hash mark on the dry erase board every time he said the Fuck word. I mean...the "F" word!! Sorry!! So, one day, he had 36. And that day ended at noon.

The Ability To Still Get Really Choked Up And Nearly Homicidal At The Same Time When You See Firsthand What Stupid People Do To Their Children: Now, this is a pretty common trait in most, you may have a future in the O.R. Basically, this involves the experience of having your heart almost squeeze itself to death when you see a kid who has shot his little 4 year old self with mama's gun that she left in her purse, yet he's never had any vaccines because the mama with the 9mm thinks vaccines are "dangerous". Apparently she hasn't read the literature on lead poisoning. This experience may lead one to be rather....hmm..uh, incredibly, utterly...mad,sad,angry,pissed off, homicidal,bitter...etc. Which then leads to a natural survival tactic...of honing all the above traits.

The Ability To Not Be Grossed Out By Seeing Maggots Snuggling In An Unchecked Wound, Yet Be Absolutely Horrified By Someone's Unchecked Dirty Bellybutton : All I'm gonna say on this is, you can't help where the maggots land, and we TOTALLY understand that.. but you CAN clean your damn bellybutton. And, please do. Right now. Check it.

So. That covers part of it. The work part. And I mean it when I say "part of it". There's a lot more to a basic understanding of anatomy and knowing the difference between a hammer and a mallet. FYI, we use a "mallet". The people really do care, and if they don't, they are still good at their job. Lots of people have admitted they really aren't people persons, but they like medicine, so they work in the O.R. They like fixing things. We all have our something.
There's so much more I can't talk about. Of course, my friends, family, kids, husband, the dumbass in the grocery store provide all KINDS of material. And sometimes, I'll share those stories..but again, I have concerns with looking insensitive, or seeming like I'm exploiting my loved ones. And I have. I will. But right now, I'm trying to find a happy medium, and find a way to fix this stupid writer's block..

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