You're Not Helping Me

It's just not working out. I don't understand this notion of having the "U-Scan" aisles at grocery stores, or the self check in kiosks at the airports. It doesn't help, it's not convenient or neat.

Let's start with the grocery.

I'm at the grocery yesterday on my lunch break. I have a loaf of bread, an avocado and a tomato.

There is only ONE lane open for regular peeps. And it's got a long line. So, I hang my head, and walk down to the U-Scan area. It's quite full too. Let me describe who's using it.

A lady who's looked a little overserved most her adult life, buying a lot of liquor. Everytime she scans the liquor, an alarm goes off, and the "attendant" (we'll discuss her presence later) has to pull some lever or something to allow Ms. Drinky to continue. Then there is the couple in their late 50's, who as I soon come to find out, not only can NOT find bar codes on groceries, they also can't read the sign that says "U-SCAN, PLEASE 12 ITEMS OR LESS" as they have a cart full of groceries. They require a lot of assistance from the attendant standing 6 feet away, and this slows their process down a lot. I watch as they flip a case of water over 15 times trying to find the elusive bar code, and I start to boil. After what seems like 15 minutes, it's my turn. Again , I only have 3 items. I have to weigh 2 of them, I get it, I know how to do it, I'm an advanced U-scanner. But you have to wait for instructions designed for 3 year olds before you can proceed or weigh or enter numbers...again, slowing down my process. Then you have to properly put each item in the bag, and if it doesn't sense the item being put in, (which for some reason, this happens 1 out of 3 times) the checkout process STOPS until the attendant clears you to go ahead, but she's busy with the freakshows over at U-SCAN station 1.

"Do I have any coupons?"

NO!!!

"How will you be paying?" And it announces all the variety of ways you can pay, slowly, and clearly....

CASH!!!

Big mistake. As I try to cram my 5 one dollar bills into a machine apparently NOT designed for actually taking bills, I'm starting to scream in my head. This is what I'm screaming :

"WHY CAN'T THAT ATTENDANT OVER THERE JUST WORK AT A REGULAR CHECK OUT LANE AND GET PEOPLE THROUGH THIS HORROR A LOT QUICKER?"

I mean, they have the manpower. She's right there. Working. Doing something. It's not convenient, this U-scan thing, no one is getting out any quicker. Why? It's so DUMB and icky and stupid and gross. WHY am I doing the work? I'm paying for this food, YOU scan it, weigh it, bag it. What the hell?

Let's go to the airport...

The Self-Check In kiosk. Now, you'd think the word "Self" would mean "by yourself because you're in a hurry and ALL the other employees are busy at the desk helping other travelers, and if you'd like, you can HURRY up and check yourSELF in all by yourSELF".

No.

There is always an employee there, asking "Would you like to check in?" And then they just stand there while YOU type your OWN information on the screen, while YOU find your destination, and, now PAY FOR YOUR FUCKING LUGGAGE, they are just standing there. All they do then is check your ID and put the lil tape on your bags. Now, a lot of people are..well, "slow-witted", and can't deal with these things, so I assume sometime the employee is there to help these people with their "self check-in process".

BUT!! BUT!! WHAT IF? What if that SAME employee hopped over the little place where you put your $15/per bag luggage, and stood behind the counter, and did the EXACT same thing she's doing now, only...only, this time, SHE'S the one entering in the information so that Bud and Susie, who's never even driven in a parking garage, let alone try to check themselves in for a flight....ok, so SHE'S the one :

Doing

It

For
Them?

Chances are, things would be downright zippy.

I just don't understand some of these "self" automated bullshit. I can understand it if they are so sucky that they can't properly man their businesses so that they have to go automated, but when that employee is standing right there, watching us all like a bunch of toolboxes poking at screens and standing around with our mouths hanging open in a look of bewilderment, I think it's time to just go back to the way things used to be.

That's all.

Dumb #2

Husband and I are watching some Amazing Video show, you know the type, where they show the action at least 10 times in a row?

And there's this guy that has somehow managed to get himself to the edge of Niagara Falls. And he's standing there, and there's all these people trying to save his ass from falling to his death.

How or why he got there, we don't know because I turned to this show "already in progress".

So I'm like :

Me : Dang!! Check out this DUDE! How sketchy!

Husband : You know, there was some guy that just recently went over Niagara Falls.

Me : Really? For, fun? Or was it a suicide?

Husband : I don't know, I don't think he had a barrel or anything, so it was probably suicide...

I swear to God, that was one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time..

b

"I Saw A Mouse" Is Not Code For Anything.

Just in case you're interested, if you ever receive a text from your spouse saying "I saw a mouse last night", it is NOT code for anything interesting, like I thought it was. We recently got texting phones, and Husband likes to send the default texts to me like "Sorry I missed your call, I was in a meeting, what's up?" sort of thing, when, I had never even called, and he'd been to no meeting..but, we get chuckles out of that sort of thing, so anyhoo..

Anyhoo..

So, when I received this text "I saw a mouse last night", I assumed it meant, ya know, he'd had a fantastic poop, or Hell, I don't know really, but, I certainly did not take it to mean that he ACTUALLY saw a mouse in our home.

No. I did not.

So, I called him back, and said..

Me: So..ha ha what's this "saw a mouse" thing all about? ha ha.. (like, "you rascal!") What's that code for??

Husband : It's not code for anything..I saw a mouse in our bathroom.

Me :

Husband : Hello?

Me :

Husband : I was sitting in the chair watching TV and it stuck it's little head out and then went back into the bathroom.

Me :

At this point, I'm just trying to keep my field of view open, as it's getting real narrow and fuzzy for some reason, and...why am I so sweaty all the sudden?? Did someone open a window? I feel cold...so..cold..

Because, this bathroom, where the Black Death carrying rodent is taking up residence, is the bathroom leading into the bedroom where I had been sleeping.

So then Husband starts going on about Def-Con or some weird mouse killing agents and traps, and I have all these images playing out in my head, and NOT a ONE of them are good.

We hang up the phone and I get on with my day at work..where I encounter a co-worker who has dealt with mouse traps a-plenty.

I'll spare you the details, but all of them result in a carcass.

Here's a thing about me.

I don't deal in dead things.

Here's another thing about me.

In my line of work, I can, and I have, had my arm up to the elbow, inside someone's abdomen while retracting for surgery. And that's just a sliver of what I'm capable of doing on the icky spectrum. But, dead things? I don't do.

So, after hearing about these traps, I immediately called Husband..

Me : We have to get the humane traps, because I don't want any dead mouse carcasses in the house.

Husband : Yeah, ok sure.

Wait. What? It was almost like he was expecting that one from me. I'm just that weird, I suppose, poor guy.

He didn't even try the whole "Babe, seriously, just DEAL". Because he just KNEW.

The man knows.

Soooo...I come home from work. We discuss going out later to get these traps. Meanwhile, I'm eyeballing the cats, saying things like, "Guys? Seriously? You gonna be so cliche like that on me? Be the typical house cats that DON'T get the mouse?"

LAME!

But, our little talk does nothing because, well, shit, they're cats and they can't understand me.

Ok...so buckle up, because get this..

I'm vacuuming. And....

ewwww...hoooo.....

We have this Oriental rug, and things get visually lost on it quite easily. Ok? Ok, picture this.

Husband is in the other room. I'm vacuuming. Daughter is in chair next to me watching TV.

I COME WITH IN 1.5 INCHES OF SUCKING UP THE DEAD MOUSE IN MY VACUUM.

It's just lying there, all curled. And dead. dead dead dead dead.

So, I can't just freak and alert the children, because I just can't deal with the questions.

So,the vacuum gets shut off, and I very calmly call for husband.

Husband walks in, and I don't even look down, but I point. He gets it..He sees it, he very calmly walks away and gets a paper towel and DEALS.

Daughter is all..

Her : What are you doing? Why did you just stop all the sudden? Why did you just call Daddy?

Me : huh?? ha ha?? Oh...I just forgot to ask you who you sat with at lunch today?

Her : What?

Ok, so the mouse is gone...the mouse is gone..the kitties!!! NOT cliches!! I'm proud, so proud, and impressed.

Thank God we found it...Husband and I started laughing at dinner about the potential tragedies avoided had we not found it in time...

Scenarios like...a kid laying down on the floor, watching the tube..relaxing, and then standing up and walking by one of us with a dead mouse dangling from the back of their hair..

You know, weird shit like that..

Still, I'm not convinced it's over..not 5 minutes later I saw another one run into the garage from outside. It's ON. Bring it Micessss.

As for now, I am not walking barefoot in my house, and I keep getting the image of the lady in Tom and Jerry who jumps on the chair and lifts her apron up and starts wailing..

Cause I GET it now... I totally get it..

Fight of Flight

There are certain things in life that really help you get to know a person.

One of those things is flying with someone. I got a quick glimpse into Husband's soul the first time we ever flew together..

It was on our way to Bermuda for our Honeymoon. I'll be honest, what do you really know of a person?? But what I thought I knew, was, this guy has travelled the world. Flying should NOT be a problem. NO. Never crossed my mind.

So, when I decided to make small talk, something along the lines of : "Boy, it sure is noisy when you sit over the wings, it's like, you don't know WHAT the Hell that noise is all about!"

I got this response:

"Would you just shut the fuck up PLEASE???"

Now, any, and I mean ANY OTHER person who would have said that to me would have had that tray table stowed in the upright position so far up their ass, the airline attendant would have had to be a proctologist to pass out drinks and peanuts. Seriously.

However, you did not see the look in Husband's eyes. This was a pure Fight or Flight scenario. I let it go.

Apparently, Husband, is not, a fan, of flying.

Everytime we fly, or rather, take off, and land, Husband's eyes are shut tight. And he looks very very calm. He looks like any other traveler catching a few z's. However, I assure you he is praying prayers worthy of an entirely new book in the Bible. He's THAT good. He ALONE is keeping the plane intact and free of fireballs and watery graves.

On our most recent trip, I get this on after our first landing :

Husband : Does this guy know what he's doing??

Me : Why?

Husband : He just kept BANKING and BANKING. And speeding UP and slowing DOWN.

Me :

Husband : Seriously, I don't think he knew what he was doing....

Me : Well, we are now walking around in a different airport...

On another flight, I noticed someone say behind me, "She passed out!". And, indeed, some lady had passed out in the back. Husband hadn't noticed that tidbit as he was playing Hangman with Daughter. What he did notice was the voice over the PA announcing "CODE RED" and then people running to the back...

It was later that he told me, oh God, I'm laughing as I write this, I'm sorry Husband...

Husband : I heard CODE RED, and I thought we had 5 minutes and we were going DOWN.

Me : Seriously?? You didn't notice the people running with the medic bag?

Husband : Well, when I saw people running, I then thought they were having to tackle someone in the back.

Flying just really sucks for him. I think the worst is the banking. We take off, and Husband thinks we have trick pilots, because he'll look at me and say:
Husband : Why does he just have to immediately go into a roll like that??

And everytime we bank for a landing, he just turns to me with this look like, "What the Fuck? Who let the Blue Angels pilot on here?"

You know the look..

He does alright..I'm not a fan of flying either, as I've disclosed in an earlier story. But watching Husband certainly takes my mind off my own anxiety. And I thank him for that.

We all have our something. At least he can sleep with a closet door open at night...

B