All Conversations Eventually Lead To This :

....this morning.....

Husband: I hate using the Port-a-Potty at work, because when I take a dump, the blue nasty water always splashes back up and hits me in the ass.

Me : Why don't you poop in a bowl and pour it into the Port-a-Potty?

Boy: Laughing HARD

Girl: Laughing HARDER

Me : (retrieving old blue bowl from cabinet for demonstration)

Husband: I am JUST NOT going to poop in a bowl and POUR it into the Port-a-Potty!!!

Me: Suit yourself...you'd probably just get the blue stuff splashed on your hand anyways...

Poop.

At least, in my world, many, many times, most conversations, have eventually lead to talking about poop. Pooping. Smelling it. Seeing it. Wiping it. Someone else's poop. Baby poop. Toddler poop. Dog poop. Bird poop. Emergency poop. Cramping poop. Bed pooping. Drunk Pooping. Pooping behind a tree. I could go on.

And I will.

For some reason, I've surrounded myself, personally, and professionally, with people who have no qualms discussing poop. Except my father-in-law. Farts, even, are meant to be taken to another room. But aside from him, everyone I know is a "go" on the conversation of Poop.

And NO MATTER WHAT, I swear to you, it always goes there.

First off, poop, as we all know, is the great equalizer. Your Principal pooped. Your doctor. The news anchor takes a special dump at Eleven. Oprah, unloads her Favorite Things. Obama, sits on the Oval Chair. Everyone has had the moments of being in a public restroom, JUST getting ready to drop, when someone comes in, and it's panic time. Do you let go? Or do you Turtle it back in? What do you do? Everyone...has had those moments. Everyone has been driving on the road when the cramping starts, and has probably had to pull what I call, a SLEPM, which is a Straight Leg Emergency Poop Maneuver. Basically, your left leg is sticking out straight in an attempt to keep the poop IN. Everyone has pooped their pants. Past the age of 3, if you get my meaning. You know who you are..

We've had debates as to whether you sit down to wipe, or stand up to wipe. I know someone who likes to stand up and "face the poop" as if it had been a challenge, or a duel, so to speak.

At work, if someone poops during surgery, we call it a Code Brown. I usually keep myself real busy with my instruments at that point, as I don't deal with Code Browns too well.

Some people share that they often find themselves in the middle of nowhere, away from a toilet, and they have to dump outdoors behind a tree. And this happens to these individuals more often than not. I always seem to have the urge when I walk into a bookstore. Don't know why...

I've been at work with a room full of professional people. Surgeons, nurses, etc. And we are ALL sharing poop stories. And not just little cute baby poop stories. Adult poop stories. Personal Poop. We talk about it during surgery. Medicine is an emotional, heart-wrenching field. Humorous Poop Talk gets us through the tough times.. Tough times...

But there is the kid poop. I remember being in bed, recovering after the c-section. And Husband is changing Daughter's diaper. I hear hacking sounds..I hear "OH GOD EGGKK AHHK!"" and then more hacking sounds. As I struggle to roll out of bed I then hear : "SHE'S POOPING!! SHE'S POOPING!! OHMYGOD!!!" I race in there, and he's got her by the ankles, but he's bent over looking away, and there's little newborn baby poop on the changing table. He just keeps saying over and over "It looked like the Playdough Factory!!! OHGOD I've never seen anyone POOP before!!!" It was fairly traumatizing for him, to say the least.

Of course, there were the incidents of bathtub pooping. The Boy had pooped in the tub. And I was not at home. Daughter apparently was screaming, and Husband scooped both kids out of the tub, and then drained the tub. He left the poop in the tub, and then used toilet paper to waffle it down the drain. I DON'T KNOW WHY HE DID THAT. Why not just pick the poop UP and flush it in the handy toilet right next to the tub?? He panicked, he said...he panicked.

Poop.

Some find it crude and tasteless.

Ha!!!! I think it tastes like SHIT!

No..Ok..some find it crude and tasteless to TALK about. But we all do it. At least everyone I know. And that's why I like my pooping friends. So next time you find yourself in my company, be prepared for the eventual conversational path that will lead straight to the toilet.

B