Monday, February 2, 2009

This Isn't What You Think


We had a party yesterday. Oh! The look on a newly 3 year old girl's face, all dressed in a princess dress, as her Uncle hands her a giant pink present...


She actually squeaked. There was a squeak. I believe that meant "thanks". She was overwhelmed.


Her brother and cousins took turns randomly wrapping toys she already had in foil, letting her open them over and over again before the party, I think, to give her practice, for what was to come.


As the cake barely came around the corner, and the first words of "Happy Birt.." were being sung, she may have lost a few eyelashes as she ran to the cake to blow out her 3 candles.


No one, told her what she had to do, she knew.


The presents...dolls, dolls, a baby bed, magic wands, a pretty dress, hair accessories.


She was surrounded by the people who love her, her family.




Yesterday, I was able to focus the majority of my emotions on just what we "have" and not on what we "don't have". Not on what she doesn't have. Or what we've all lost.


Whenever those creeping feelings of anger and "this isn't fair" started to knock on my door, I just looked around and saw people smiling anyways. She was smiling, right? For now? Was she missing out? Really? It didn't appear so...


I knew who was missing out....I know. I wonder if they know. I wonder if they will ever know how much they are missing.


I thought holding onto my anger would help. It would bring justice. If I stayed angry on behalf of my parents, and my niece and nephew, and my children and my husband, and myself, it would..I don't know, it would stand as a symbol saying "WHAT YOU'VE DONE IS SO FUCKING WRONG" like, this...shield, like this billboard. I mean, who am I fooling?


They aren't reading my signs...


Anger.


You can be angry. But holding onto anger makes you a victim twice.


You get wronged. But when you live with the drudgery of anger, it's like "they" or "it" are screwing you all over again, by making your life so icky and crappy. Anger, it doesn't serve me anymore. What makes me angry? And why? Well. Anger is a justified emotion. I have rights. I do. I have every right to be angry. And things will happen again that will make me angry. It's the holding onto part that I've been having some trouble with..


It's a cancer, a drug...it's turned me away from all things "light". I hold my anger like a security blanket. But it's smelly. Time to give it up.


Because the thing is, these 2 people, have no notion or concern for my anger. If my anger had any influence over them, things would be different, right?


But...here it comes. Forgiveness.


My stomach just turned. It did. As I typed that. Hah!! Funny. Ok. So, Forgive. Forget..


Not the same, those 2.


I think I have forgiveness backwards. I've always thought it's all about the other guy. But forgiveness can be just as much about "ME" as it is for them..when I forgive, I'm letting go. But if I let go, I'm LETTING THEM OFF!! NO! Stop it, Becky. I'm not letting them off....


Wait. There's that knock again. Let's regroup...


Here's why when I forgive, It works.


I am letting go of the cancer that keeps me away from Light.


I am handing it over to God.


I am not letting them off...because of this...


They were not the ones watching their daughter turn 3 yesterday. I was.


And anger had nothing to do with that. It's not about my control, or anger, or lack of control, or lack of anger. Their lives and actions put them in that spot. My life and action put me in that spot.


Anger had nothing to do with it...


They are the ones who have to live their lives...my anger isn't going to "make it worse" for them. I am not their judge...


It sounds spiteful, kind of like "nah nah boo boo I was there and you weren't" I don't mean it like that...(well, kind of) but I mean it like, me carrying around my anger as an attempt to help keep justice on behalf of all my wronged family members, including myself, is pointless!!


WE are already in an OK place! Could it be better? Of course!! Wouldn't it be nice if the party was thrown for the 3 year old BY the parents AT the parents house BECAUSE they were healthy and functioning? And NOT because niece and nephew have lived with Grandparents for over a year? But...well, Shit!! That's the way the cookie crumbles, I suppose!!


I guarantee you I would have had a miserable time yesterday, if I was still holding on to my anger blanket so tightly.


If I was busy thinking about what should have been happening or what could have been happening, I would have been too busy to have heard her squeals, or have seen her smiles, or to have felt the love in the room that was there for HER. And it was ENOUGH. There was enough love.


I still have some scraps of my anger blanket in my pocket. I'm not completely weened.


I still grieve. I still mourn opportunities missed. I miss. You know? I miss him. And it provokes sadness..and that provokes anger..and then I get mad and angry..and then I get sad...and then I get tired. But, the good news, I'm getting pretty tired of "it' consuming me. I'm realizing that hanging on to those feelings doesn't create that sense of justification. Letting them go frees me up, so that I don't become a victim twice.


It's a work in progress...I'm just figuring it out. There will be more ammunition for my arsenal..but I do know, that I enjoyed yesterday in many more ways than one...and I'm breathing a lot easier today for it.


B


1 comment:

kmpd said...

Hey B-

I'm proud of you for working so hard through this. For keeping yourself, your family and extended family in place and in perspective.

It is an ugly world and a beautiful world all together. See them both for what they are.

I miss your bro' too.

Big Love
-K