Sunday, January 25, 2009

Things Are Looking Up

I've mentioned that I've smelled things. Nasty things. I have.

This is about one of those moments..

It was May. It was warm outside. Husband and I were outside walking around our Estate.

We have critters on our Estate. I've seen horses. I've seen deer, coyote, yeti, raccoons, hawks, squirrels, moles, butterflies, mice, chipmunks, and fox.

A bad bad bad bad bad smell is in the air. It is the dead smell. I've learned to differentiate between the dead smell that comes from Husband's ass, and true, dead smell. He had not dealt it. It was strong. It was close. We look around, we start the search. behind rocks, near rocks, by trees...I mean...we are walking in circles.

I don't. I don't recall what led me to look......up.

But when I did, and what I saw, caused me to launch the loudest AND most profane tirade heard in a 3 mile radius.

High up in a a hole in a tree. eeeeeeuuuughhh.. it's so gross.

Ok. There was a squirrel. Stuck. Halfway in...halfway a hole. Winnie the Pooh Style.

Except, it's head was facing's arms stiffened out in a pose like Superman.


OHMY#$#$(#*()*@&#&*(&)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HIT!!!!!! WHAT THE F#($&#(*&(*&(@&(*@&#()(*&THATSDOING#(*****&&&CKINGTREE?

Husband has to clamp his hand over my mouth, I think he's screaming, "LOOK AWAY!!! LOOK AWAY!!!

I was all like "how the HELL did that thing die, and we not notice?" Oh yeah, Ok...we had just come home from vacation. Ohshit! Poor thing just was all alone, squeaking and squirmi....ohmyGOD...the poor thing....that JUST SUCKS.

I was overcome with a mix of emotions...horror..sympathy...despair.

Oh comes the sympathy...the POOR could cry. Now. Instantly.

Moving on. What do we do? The thing is like, 20 feet in the air, stuck in a tree??? I can't just let the thing slowly start to know what I'm's so sick. SICK. I can't have little bits just dripping and dropping off hither and nither..I have kids. I mean, that would be messed up. Like, a little dead bloated squirrel ala Winnie the Pooh, missing half it's face? Like therapy isn't already on their horizon?? I gotta add this to the queue? No. Thank. You.

Squirrel is coming down.

And it smells BAD. I mean, bad. So, we know this guy is working at our neighbor's house, and he's got a tall ladder. We offer him $20 and a case of beer if he will get the squirrel down.

I felt like such an asshole, I did. I mean, really. Who...does that? We did.

So, we supply him with a trash bag...and I'm out there with an aerosol can of Febreeze. I am.

I'm trying to be supportive. I'm emptying the contents of Febreeze into the open breeze, just trying to get Ramone some relief as he climbs the ladder, because it smells so much like dead ass.

Ok..So, he sticks his hand inside the trash bag, and grabs ahold of SuperSquirrel. Gives a little tug.

I'm TOTALLY imagining the thing crumbling and disintergrating...I mean, I've got all these gnarly images already happening in my head, I am looking away, kind of.

But, he gives a tug...and stops. Gives another tug...and another.

He looks down at us and says :

"ees stuck"

Ok.."NO!!!! It's NOT STUCK RAMONE!!!"

I HAS to come out. I'm begging...I'm spraying...I give him some thumbs up...sign for "give it another go"

Ramone tries again....

and it came came. out.

Ramone got his $20 and a case of Bud.

The squirrel got a ride to a landfill.

I had to buy some more Febreeze.

And my other neighbor now knows that it's totally cool to swear around me.