This Is Huge

It's Easter. And we are at my sister in law's house. There is a lot of people, food, merriment.

"We", being sister in law's side of the family and friends, are all huddled in the kitchen. Sister in law has actually come down with a bad case of hurling her guts out. So, she's locked away in her bedroom, missing all the fun. Brother in law is entertaining his side of the family and friends on the other side of the house.

Anyways.

Here we are in the kitchen.

My husband is laying down on the floor, with his head on a bathroom scale. And we are all lined up behind him, to see how our teeny craniums measure up.

But first, I think we should back this truck up.

My husband comes from the Island of the Really Freaking Huge Heads. That is how it was labeled on old maps. It did say "Freaking". His people were once mighty rulers there. Ever seen pictures of those head statues on Easter Island? Tribute.

The island is no longer on the map, having sunk. I think you can gather the reason why.

Having been set apart from the rest of civilization, they were able to evolve into super beings, with the ability to have..well, basically, just really huge heads. That's it. I don't care what else he tells you.

His Grandpappy's Grandpappy, Chief Thomas Michael Thomas Thomas Michael, was one of the first to notice the the island tilting. Realizing something was amiss...afoot...he ordered everyone off the island.

"Swim to your new lives. Go out in the world. Save yourselves. GET OFF!!!!!!!"

And other wise shit.

So, my husband's family swam and swam to Indianapolis.

Time passed, they married. They had babies. Mostly, the huge head thing stayed put. Even if they married a spouse with a meager melon, the babies...the babies, had huge ones.

I remember the pediatrician having that "concerned doctor look" on her face, contemplating "Which neurosurgeon do I refer these people to for their daughter?" as she was measuring her newly born head. I reminded her of Daddy's lineage.

It comforted her. Slightly.

He doesn't look weird. If that's what you're thinking. He's quite proportionate. He's a handsome shmandsome devil. It's only when he's sitting next to someone, do you notice. Usually, you notice the shadow first.

He tells me of bets he has won. Kind of like :

Husband walks into a bar:

Husband : I HAVE THE BIGGEST HEAD HERE!!

Drunk Rowdy Patrons : BET YOU DON'T!!! HOOOOOO-EEEEEEEEE

Bartender whips out measuring tape. Good bartenders always have measuring tape on hand.

Think about how many time you hear in a bar: "BET I HAVE THE BIGGEST......"

Bartender has to help square the bet.

Heads are bent over the bar....one after another after another. Measured. Submitted.

Husband walks up. Leans over. Measured. But wait. They've run out of measuring tape.

Cash is collected, Husband drives on to his next town. Eat his dust, little head people.

In Boston, he went into a hat shop. Wanted a baseball hat. Warned the guy :

Husband : I have a really big head.

Guy : We have really big hats. Don't worry about it.

So...well, let's just say, there's a picture of Husband in that shop with the biggest baseball hat they could find perched on top of his head like a cherry, taken, I suppose, for it's freak show essence this Guy wanted to share with the rest of the world.

Honeymoon. Bermuda. He's experienced renting scooters before, and the helmets that come with them. He just said to me :

Husband : Watch this.

Me : Ok.

Husband : I need a really big helmet.

Scooter Rental Girl : Oh, yeah. We have big helmets, no worries.

They bring out the helmet. He tries it on. It looks like the top of an acorn on his gourd.

OHMYGOD. I had to sit down....I was nearly wetting myself.

They had to use a box cutter to cut out the foam inside the helmet, just so it would at least fit somewhat down around the skull. And also to cut down on the drag.

I could go on and on and on.

But we find ourselves in the kitchen. With the scale. We were just sitting around. The topic of huge heads came up. I don't recall who suggested the scale. But we got it. Husband was on the floor in the middle of the kitchen. Head on scale.

Now wait!! I know what you're thinking. To get a true cranial measurement, the head needs to be severed at the 3rd vertebrae and be devoid of all hair, to get an accurate weight.

But, well, that obviously couldn't happen. So we decided we could at least just measure all the same way, and just compare the difference. It was the best we could do.

Everyone else. And I mean EVERY one else weighed in between 9-12 pounds.

Now, get this!! I Googled "average weight of human head" later that day....

8-12 pounds.

His was 16 pounds.

Bow down.