Thursday, January 15, 2009

I've Smelled Dead Things

I've smelled dead things, and they've come out of my husband's ass.

Alright. Let's just clear the air....HA!! I didn't even intend to pun!, alright. No more secrecy...cloaked in darkness stealthiness business. Because, in order to really tell you this story, I'll have divulge, that yes, I work in healthcare. Yes, I work in surgery. Yes, I expect to break some sort of HIPPA violations someday...

(knock knock..."who's there?" HIPPA!!!! "HIPPA Who?" Can't tell ya!!) just a 'lil joke for ya an added treat...

But, screw it, oh well...I will use no names, places, faces, or any other descriptive body parts.

But here's the deal. I worked in a trauma hospital for 10 years, ok? So, I know what icky poo-ee smells like. I know what it's like to put wintergreen oil on a paper mask, because things smell so threatening and ripe, with it only to result in it seeping through the which case, your upper lip starts to burn...and all you're really smelling is wintergreen and the stank du jour...with or without maggots. You know the idea. Air freshener in the potty. You deposit a load. You spray the floral spray. And now the potty smells like floral spray and poop.

I had a 4 month stint where I couldn't eat grilled cheese sandwiches due to a stinky poo case at work once. But I'll spare you the reason why....

BUT! I never ever NEVER ever ONCE threw up. Not once.

Never, from ANY smell, have I ever thrown up.

Until, one day, I was minding my own business..enjoying a shower.

Husband walks by like a terrorist with an apparent concealed AND deadly weapon. He opens the shower doors, points his weapon at me, and drops one of the most:





known to mankind.

And then he holds the gas chamber doors shut as the fumes invade my airways, the passages singed as the bomb seeks out my gag reflex. And seek it does...and found it has. An unfamiliar response is triggered. In fact, it's been unlocked, and it's working. The glands in the side of my mouth start responding...holyCRAP. I'm gonna BARF. SERIOUSLY???? From a Fart??SHIT!!! I JUST ATE RAMEN NOODLES!!

I start screaming for water to drink...I know from my pregnant days...drinking water will reverse that gag reflex...

So, this is Husband's response :

"You're standing in some!!"



I'd like to say I didn't stand naked, in front of my husband, barfing up Ramen noodles, in the shower, after being attacked by his ass-bomb.


I did.

And I had to squish the noodles down the drain with my toe.


So...Husband has the nerve, to act...horrified, by what he's just witnessed...saying :

"I've never been more disturbed by what I've just seen in all my life, I feel like I need to go to Church" I'm nudging the last noodle down the drain..


Sherry said...

I can relate to this blog. I have probably been with you through most of these times. Not the one in the shower though. Keep up the good work. Sherry

Gwen said...

WTF! I hope the real end of the story is you beat the shit out of him!!! ;-) Unnecessary.... kick him for me. ;-)