I Never Imagined

I never imagined myself in the Cots Tub and Further store, standing in front of the clerk, getting ready to say...

Well, let me preface this by saying I was on a birthday present quest. For the perfect present. For the person who has everything. I knew what I was going for. The exact model. The make, the brand. No substitution would do. No cheap imitation, no scaled down version.

Daughter was with me, wondering, "why, Mommy?" As in, why are we getting this? How do I explain the power of this present? The sheer genius? The hours of entertainment? Not only capable of individual use, it is capable of bringing families together. It can be used in the workplace. "It's multi-awesome, daughter"
It brings joy. It brings smiles.

What we find first, is indeed, a cheap scaled down version. A key chain model. Without the many features of it's advanced cousin. In truth, it sucked.

Which leads us back to the beginning of the story. I found myself asking a store clerk something I was pretty sure no one has ever had to ask a store clerk before.
What was I asking the clerk? This:

Me : Excuse me? But do you have a better Fart Machine brand than this one?? (holding lame inferior machine dangling by it's chain)

Daughter : oh Mom! SHEESH!!

Clerk : uh.

Me : I'm looking for one with a remote control, please.

Clerk. Um.

Clerk : Let me ask.

Now, I nearly squealed with excitement at the thought of this clerk going on the PA asking some unseen entity for the deluxe Fart Machine model "in the back".
But, instead, she turned around, and asked some other lady..

Clerk 1 : Do we have different Fart Machines? With remote control?

I'm nearly peeing my pants at this...

Clerk 2 : I know exactly what she's looking for...I'm going to the back.

My heart did a leap...

So, daughter and I are waiting and waiting...and daughter says something I never imagined an 8 year old girl has ever said anywhere in the world..

Daughter : Mommy, let's just get THIS fart machine and go already...

Me : Honey, we are waiting...

So Clerk 2 comes back with not one, but TWO Deluxe Fart Machines. In fact, they are called, The Electronic Whoopie Cushions. They come with a remote control button, that you can set off from anywhere. Ohmygod, I was dying. They were perfect. She came with TWO!! Of course, we had to have one for our family!!! What else do we do on cold winter nights????

Daughter had to take them away from me before we even left the store. I could barely get through the store without setting them off near every person we passed.

Well, obviously, the gift was a hit. It was worth it. I put my neck on the line. I will say stupid things to get what I want. And I promise to tell you all about it.